Don't like it? Change it.

Everyone has those days where nothing seems to go right... I had one last week.  I just couldn't shake it off no matter how hard I tried.  It was such a great "funk" that it even lasted all the way into a second (and third) day - Awesome.  I tried going out for a walk, chatting with a friend, I even went to bed early and still woke up with the same funk the next morning.

Now, I have learned over the years that I am often able to "pep-talk" myself through these tough moments... I can only imagine what people think if they ever hear me talking to myself.  "Ok, Jenn - Shake it off."  "You get to choose, choose to have a better day."  "It's a beautiful day, soak it all in."  And in case you are wondering, yes, I do say these things to myself OUT LOUD!  More often than not, the self affirmations actually do the trick too, or at least set me on the right path for making positive change.

Today though, I came across this facebook post that blows my pep-talks out of the water.  I adore this guy... His post is raw, and he is clearly emotional.  (don't worry though, no awkward man blubbering) Honestly, I completely related to his post because that was me just last week.  You can watch his video here.    

So here's the deal... He was having the ultimate crap day, feeling sorry for himself and letting the small stuff get to him.  On a whim, he made a decision that changed not only his day but someone else's too.

I loved this because it was simple, but I feel like it can be even bigger.  As big as you need it to be to make the change you need in your day or in your life.  The fastest and easiest way to bring yourself up, is to do something kind for someone else.  Sometimes something as simple as giving flowers to a woman in a parking lot is enough to change the outcome of your whole day.  And sometimes you need to make bigger changes to create a larger impact on your reality.  If it feels more that your life is off track, rather than just your day, maybe it's time to add some "feel-good" extra curricular activities such as volunteering for a cause that you feel passionate about, or befriending an elderly neighbor.

It is so easy to hibernate when we feel lousy about ourselves, but the reality is, the more we isolate ourselves the worse things feel.  I am so grateful for this guys decision to share his experience as it has changed the way that I think about my own coping mechanisms.  The next time I find myself in the midst of a crap day, I am going to put this method into action and become the positive change I need.

Have a story like this one?  I'd love to hear it!    
  

Have you laughed today?

It's days like today, when the air is chilly and the sky is grey that I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend that the world doesn't exist!  We got a pellet stove over the winter, and having it blasting away in our family room makes getting up and out into the chill all that more difficult.

But here I am... At work.  Clearly, I am working very hard at the moment.  (In truth, I am taking a much needed break in the writing of a brutally long grant)  I came across this little gem on the internet while pondering the "amazing lives" of my many acquaintances on Facebook.  

It's worth the break in reading to watch - Click here.  (and turn the volume up!)

Can I just say... This made my whole day.  I absolutely love how they got the progression of this on film.  First, the man starts laughing, and people start looking skeptically, is this guy crazy?  unhinged? am I safe next to this lunatic? ...  And then, as he unabashedly continues and his laughter gets louder and more uncontrolled, it starts to become catching, and people all around begin giggling and then full on laughing out loud with this guy who is, at this point, hysterically laughing.

What I love more than the quick laugh though, is the message behind it.  We don't often put thought into how our actions and behaviors impact the people around us.  Sure, we know that when we come home in a mood, it can ruin the mood for our whole family, but I'm talking about the random impressions that we are making all day long.  Did you smile at the dunkin donuts cashier when they handed you your coffee this morning?  Or at the random neighbor who was walking their dog when you got into your car to go to work?  Did you smile at the stranger in the elevator or the people you passed on your way into the office?

Why not?

I love to smile... For many reasons.  The most obvious being a personal need for politeness, sometimes to force myself into the right frame of mind, and occasionally to shake someone else out of their comfort zone.  I know it's bad, but I simply can't help smiling wide at someone who looks like their smile button is permanently broken.  Regardless of my purpose though, I hope that I am leaving a path of smiles in my wake everywhere I go.  (Even if they are smiling and thinking to themselves, she's crazy!)

Something as simple as a smile, or even the brief kindness of a stranger as they pass you by, is all you need to change the outlook on your day.  Why not make someone's day today.  Slap a big old smile on your face as you head out to lunch, or when you swing by the grocery store on your way home.  (true happiness not required - just a sincere smile)  Happiness, smiles and laughter are contagious, and I'd bet money on the fact that you will find this simple effort will change more than just the attitudes of the people around you.    

Are we there yet?

As kids and even in adulthood, we create images in our minds of what things should look like at different stages in our lives.  Its funny, because we are basing our ideas off our less mature experiences... but yet, we still seem to struggle when the mature reality doesn't match up with our imagination.

I guess it is kind of like reading a book and then watching the movie... EVERY single time, We get all jazzed up about seeing the movie and watching how the story that we have connected with is presented.  And then EVERY single time we walk away feeling a little unfulfilled.  Somehow the way that we had imagined it was bigger, was more than what they put on screen... or, the elements that spoke to us at the time, were left out or down played.

Well, the same goes for real life.  The question is, why do we torture ourselves?  Seriously...  How can I teach my daughter to see things differently.

My husband and I have been talking a lot lately about his job.  Last October, he finally landed the job that he has spent his whole adult life working towards.  He is a chef, and has worked his way up from culinary school, to line cook, banquet chef, to Sous Chef...  and finally he is the Executive Chef of a pretty well known swanky Counrty Club.  I'm not afraid to say it, he's kind of a big deal!  Yet, somehow when he looks in the mirror, he still sees that 22 year old kid with no experience.

Now, as a whole, he's the kind of guy who spends a lot of time thinking.  Sometimes about the strangest things... but often times, his thoughts are very reflective.  (otherwise, he is searching for the perfect theme song to his life at that moment - seriously)  Throughout our relationship, he has always had moments when he would come to me and share with me how appreciative he is of the life we have together.  But somewhere along the line, he created a list of things that he felt were necessary for life at certain ages.  He pictured the kind of car he would drive, and the Rolex watch that he would get for his 40th birthday... and the kind of success he would have in his career.  You know, normal "guy stuff" I guess.

But here he is at 44 years of age, and he doesn't see the man he envisioned.  He pictured this confident Executive Chef who's got all his stuff together.  But when he looks in the mirror, that guy is not there.  He also has these new(er) feelings of fatherhood and family that have altered his views.  He is trying to be everything to everyone and (in his mind) is failing at everything.  Oh, and the fact that I didn't buy him that Rolex probably didn't help... ;)

Here is the part he's missing though.  He IS the man he pictured... When he was a young kid looking at the 40 something Chef's in the kitchen, he wasn't mature enough to see the WHOLE picture.  He wasn't inside that guys head listening to his insecurities.  He wasn't at that guys home, watching how he interacted with his family and whether or not he remembered to put the trash out on trash day.  He only saw what was on the surface, and I am 100% confident that there are young kids getting their start in his kitchen, and basing their expectations off him, just as he did 20 years ago.

I know we all expect to feel different when we "get there," but the daily grind of life doesn't stop.  We are always going to feel out of place as we cross over the threshold into new phases of our lives.  We feel insecure, and uncertain and possibly even that we are not quite up to the task.  Then, over time, we get accustomed to the new things, get into routine, and choose new goals, and new "images" to store in our heads of what our future will look like.  Then we start to feel bored again, and restless that we aren't moving forward fast enough.  (see the cycle happening here?)

Don't let your own thoughts drown out the life that you are living each day.  It doesn't matter if you have reached your goal yet, or if you just took a huge leap forward, life is what happens during the in between moments when you aren't paying attention.  Pay attention, try to see yourself through others eyes, and choose to enjoy the ride... bumps and all.  I promise you, it will be worth it.  

Oh and P.S. I am pretty sure that guys Rolex was a fake honey... Just saying.

Oddly, this was the only picture
I could find of him in the kitchen...!  

Lean on me

I'm not sure if I've mentioned before how incredibly blessed I have been in friendship.

It took me a long while in life to find my place.  I've had a few awkward phases, to say the least.... in fact, those closest to me would probably say that I exists permanently in an awkward phase, though I am better for it I'm sure.  But, regardless of my quirks and imperfections, I have found my "tribe."  The people who appreciate my frankness, and honesty and who seek me out knowing that I will be honest and loyal and fair (and apparently stubborn too), always and to a fault.

This past year has been a tough one.  As a group, and individually we have faced some pretty wild challenges.  You never really know until you are in the tight places how people will respond, whether or not the relationships you have built in the "good times" will weather the more difficult ones...  And I think often people are forced to face hard truths in these situations, learning not just about the strength of your own being, but of those closest to you too.

When I say that I am blessed in friendship, I am not exaggerating.  Nothing less than Godly intervention could create the love and support I have seen this past year.  To have a friend (friends) who know your challenges...  for me, it is a constant fight with infertility and all the "joys" that go with... and aren't afraid to ask the difficult questions and who check in with you sometimes DAILY just because.

These are the people who snap chat ridiculous pictures of themselves and their kids just to brighten your day... and who will take your call when you are sobbing and hyperventilating because a squirrel ate through your plumbing.  And, on occasion, I am proud to BE the friend who can "take charge, and get things done with out stress" too.  (though I'm still not sure that isn't code for bossy and obnoxious...)  ;)

Anyhow, I hope that I can look back to these moments, even to this post... in the moments when I am struggling, as a reminder.  Because we all need reminders, constant touches that let us know that we are not alone as we work to climb the mountains that life puts in our path.

And for the moments when I do forget... My mom gave me this "saying" for Christmas last year... and I keep it where I will see it and read it every single day.  (this is a nice way of saying that I keep it in the bathroom, right next to the toilet!)

Feel free to hang the picture of my toilet, next to your toilet for inspiration if that helps.

Back on the horse

Maybe it's the half bottle of Prosecco, or the series finale of Downton Abbey that has inspired me to start writing again... Or maybe it's me.

So much has happened in the last year or so since my last post.  So many things that have changed me, both for better and for worse, and for a while, I wasn't 100% sure where to find the "positive thought" that fuels my daily existence.  Not so say that I have been unhappy, or that I have even had a difficult time of it, really.  I think we all go through moments in our lives where we question things.  We question ourselves, our relationships, those around us... life, God, everything.

But here I am facing a reality that I truly thought was out of my reach.  Do I have everything I ever dreamed of...?  Of course not.  When I get there, I know I'm in trouble.  Everyone needs to dream, to reach and to have a goal that seems just a little bit unrealistic.  What I am continually baffled by though, is how often we find ourselves in these places where we feel that things will never change.  We look at our future lives and wonder how it will be, will we ever get there.

And then a few years later we reflect and think, Wow.  I spend so much time being afraid of what might be, that I missed the moments that got me there.  

I specifically remember being at my college orientation.  They had a psychic there who was of course answering questions and putting on a spectacular show for the whole freshman class... and I vividly remember being so worried that I wouldn't make the cheer-leading squad.  (It seems so trivial now, but at the time, this was my biggest worry)  So, I wrote down my question on the index card that was handed to me, crossed my fingers, and amazingly, out of all the people in the room, the psychic read off my question aloud!

He said to me, (well, to the room... these were of course somewhat anonymous) "J.M. you will make the team, but you might be surprised to realize that it will not fulfill you in the way you expect" and he was right.  After my freshman year, I did move on to bigger and better things.  He was right then, and I expect he'd be right over and over again given my similarly "serious" and occasionally silly questions in life.  Each and every one of my "will I's" and "what if's" has been answered, just in ways that I never expected.

So... Here I am, sitting in my home (did you catch that part?...  MY HOME, the one I thought we'd never have) with my loving and unique husband and my wild and crazy daughter asleep upstairs.  I'm still not sure what the future will bring, and I am confident that there will be plenty of ups and downs, but I do know this much... what you look for in life, you get.  What you see in others, exists in you.  What you send out into the world, will come back to you in its own way.  

Do good, be kind and open your mind to something new each and every day.

Until next time, Good night.

Just eat the damn burnt toast...

I think my favorite topic to blog about is family...  I have a big family, I have a crazy family, and I am blessed with a family who loves too hard and gives too much.

Over the last month or so we've been going through the difficult process of moving my grandmother from her home and into an in-law apartment with my Aunt.  I have participated in the process, but with the responsibility of a small child, have not been able to give even close to my fair share in support of the family, something I feel a great deal of guilt about.

As I am observing this process though, I am continuing to learn more about family, and family dynamics in general.  Why is it that in families, we seem to give the worst of what we have to those we love most?  I've seen this happen over and over again with many different families.  I know I am young, and naive....  and luckily have two parents who are in relatively good health and who can, for the most part, take care of themselves.  I can't even begin to understand the stress that comes with the worry for the safety of a parent.  I hope that when my turn comes, I am able to look back on this experience and be the best version of myself that I can be, but I make no promises.

Tonight I read a post that inspired me in light of all that is happening and I wanted to share it.  Shout out to my Auntie Cathy for sharing the post on FB and inspiring me to get back to my blog!  The link is below for you to read in detail if you choose (just click on the photo), but the story is about eating burnt toast, yup... you did hear that correctly! 

It's funny because that's literally what the story is about... but I see much more than a story about burnt toast, and quite frankly, this story sums up how I feel about life today pretty accurately.

Sometimes you need to eat burnt toast, and count it as a blessing.  See the effort, as small as it may be, for what it is.  There are times where burnt toast is the best we have to offer.  We need to look for the love and the small acts of kindness that exist in our every day encounters and do our best to be appreciative.  Losing sight of the fact that we are in this "fight" together serves little purpose but to tear apart the support and relationships that we need most as things escalate and get harder to manage.

My family is full of strong, resilient and loving people...  so I know that all will work itself out once the dust settles (literally).  But I hope this message finds a home with someone who needs to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Families, communities, humanity as a whole....We are a team.  If we set aside our differences, find reasons to show our love and appreciation and be kind to one-another to the best of our ability then we will always come out on top, no matter how treacherous the path to the top may seem.

As always, I love to hear your stories too!  Feel free to leave me a comment or message below!  And don't forget to take a big ol' bite of what ever burnt toast you've been served today with a gracious smile and light heart. 

    

Well, Hello There Stranger!

Ever have a strange and contradictory encounter with someone where you walk away thinking, What the…?  One that leaves you thinking about how well they actually know themselves and their own minds?  I’d like to think that we all take the time to think and wonder about our own actions and motivations, but the reality is that many people push through life acting with very little thought to the reasons behind their actions.  I guess sometimes it can be easier to live in denial than it is to come face to face with your own truths.   

I’ve been here...  I have a distinct memory from a few years back when, with not nearly enough adult beverages in my system to pretend to blame my behavior on, I found myself razzing a co-working just a little too hard.  I meant it in good fun, but clearly had crossed the line from funny to borderline mean.  I remember feeling a bit out of body at the moment too… thinking, what am I doing? and eventually moving on from the conversation to talk with someone else.  

A few days later when faced with this person again, I apologized.  I wasn’t quite sure that it was necessary or quite what I was apologizing for, but figured I was better safe than sorry since I clearly still felt a bit weird about the interaction.  He said to me…  “It’s ok, I figured you were probably feeling a bit insecure and I was an easy target.”  Wow – and sadly, TRUE.  He saw right through me, when even I hadn’t come to terms with my behavior or the reasons behind it.  But honestly, I had been feeling insecure.  I was feeling a bit like an outcast and had been away from my family for more than a week.  Clearly, targeting and alienating the one person who WAS being nice to me was the solution?!?  What a mess.  

As a rule, I make a real concerted effort to think before I act, to know and understand my feelings before they are displayed for the world to see, and to grasp the motivating factors in my life.  For me, I need to put them into words before my mind is allowed to act upon these thoughts in methods that don’t sync with how I’ve decided I’d like to behave.  Actually, God bless my best friends…  I tend to do best when I talk out my feelings and toss around all the different scenarios with an outside perspective.    For others it can be a simple matter of looking into the mirror here and there and saying, “Oh, Hello there stranger!”…      

      

Whatever your method – make the time to take a hard look at yourself.  Being the target of someone else’s misguided understanding of their own feelings is both confusing and hurtful.  It’s as if their actions and words don’t quite match, you know?   

We’d all have to be psychic’s or highly in tune psychologists to have successful relationships if everyone behaved this way all the time.  If you find that you have frustrating or annoying encounters with different people on a regular basis, maybe it’s time to reflect a bit.  You might find a more deeply rooted issue that you didn’t even know you were harboring.  The truth is hard, but is always better than a fabricated reality that only prolongs the inevitable.      

The Green Monster

I am recently in a place in life where I find I am occasionally suffering from the green monster of envy.  Don’t get me wrong…  Had I to trade out the wonderful things in my life for those things I feel I am “lacking,” I would never even have to consider it.  Sometimes though, we just need a little reminder. 

Right now, my husband and I are desperately trying to figure out how and if we will ever afford to live in a house.  We have a wonderful home and have made the choices that led us to where we are…  but God, I really want a real HOUSE!  Along with all the glorious space and control that owning a house could give us.  I know, it is not all it is cracked up to be…  and though our home is small, we are reassured that we are making smart choices for our family, and that is what is most important.  Some days the feeling that we are drowning in our own belongings just gets the better of me, and I am so over it. 

Yesterday I came across this blog post titled “Give me Gratitude or Give me Debt” and I could only think about how this woman and I seemed to be on the same page!  I linked it for you if you are interested in reading for yourself, but to summarize, she talks about all the work that could and should be done to fix up her kitchen.  Apparently she innocently posted a photo of herself in the kitchen and then immediately got multiple comments about the things she could do to make it nicer.  Yikes!

Side note – I am pretty sure she might need some new friends, because I can’t imagine my friends offering up criticism in such a way (even constructively) but alas… We don’t hear the whole story.    

Anyhow, she sweats out all the work that needs to be done, and then takes a whole different view.  One I need to keep reminding myself about.  You will get what you are looking for in life.  Rather than looking at the fact that her appliances don’t match, she comments on how lucky she is to have a fridge full of food… and rather than crying over ugly old cabinets she points out how lucky she is to have a medicine cabinet stocked with little more than vitamins.  She even gave props to her old school coffee maker, and let’s be honest…   Who wouldn’t!  As long as it brews up the necessary caffeine fix to get you through your day.

This morning as I was drudging my way into work, I was late and feeling sorry for myself - thinking, are there people out there that can actually pay their bills on time and without stress?  Who’s homes are clean and sinks are not constantly full of dishes?  People who feel that they have a balance in their lives between work, family and self?  At the end of my commute God intervened....  I am not a terribly religious person in general, but this was nothing less than a divine intervention, and clearly I needed a further reminder of this point!  

As I was about to pull into work and start another day, I passed by an elderly man on the street with a sign that read “Homeless and Sober, God Bless.” I was literally shaken out of my own reality by this man.  I mean, he was OLD... old enough that I would worry watching him walk across the street alone and would gladly give my seat to him on the train.  All of a sudden, my mind switched from poor me, to lucky me, and I began to tear up thinking about how trivial my problems are.  I'm not sure what led this man to be homeless at such a senior age, but I am confident that this is not a reality that I will ever have to face in life.  Thank God.    

Yes, my electric bill is past due and we desperately need to go grocery shopping.  We have a broken dishwasher and a sink full of dirty dishes.  But - I have a strong, loving family would I know will always be there for me.  I have a husband who truly loves and respects me and is showing our daughter what a healthy male relationship looks like, even when she rejects his affection.  I have a beautiful daughter, seriously – she’s so cute, who is healthy and smart and funny and is always telling me she needs another hug and kiss before bed because the first few "went away too fast."   

We have basic cable…  It’s horrible and nothing like the whole big package we had before, but I also have a brother who is willing to help me set up our Apple TV so that we can still watch shows like Sofia the First when we want to and put an extra $100 in my bank account each month. 

So, as you all head off to your busy lives filled with summer vacations, cleaning, socializing, paying bills and running errands...  I hope you are able to remember how lucky you are every single day.  Some days it takes a smack in the face to see what's right in front of us... but take the time today to be grateful for the things in life that we do have, because I don't think anyone ever gets it all. 

    

#LikeAGirl

Yesterday I got a goofy video sent to me by my little brother.  A cute video of parents surprising their kids with a trip to Disney, where the toddler seems to be staring at everyone like they are all completely bananas.  Normally I would question my brother’s sanity with a video share like this, but sometimes I think these things happen for a reason.   You just never know when and where inspiration will strike, and in this situation it was the ad leading up to the video that really hit home.

So yes, I found myself inspired by an ad for maxi pads…  In my defense though, Always really hit the nail on the head with this one!  We live in a world where we say that a girl can do anything.  We teach our kids to dream big and reach for the stars, yet at the same time we support the stereotypes that were designed to hold us back.  

In this ad, they bring out a bunch of adults and teens and ask them to demonstrate what it means to do a certain action “like a girl,” like running or throwing.  As expected these adult women acted the part, running silly, flapping their arms, etc.  Then, they brought in a handful of young girls maybe ages 6-8.  They asked these sweet innocent little things to do the same; run “like a girl,” throw “like a girl.”  These results were what surprised me.  These young girls haven’t reached the point in their lives where the stereotype “like a girl” has become a negative, and they did exactly as they were told.  Running and sprinting like they meant it, throwing as hard as they can… and honestly, I felt inspired!  I felt inspired by not only their innocence, but their determination, strength and pride. 

At what point in our lives do we allow this transition to happen in our minds?  If our parents are telling us that we can grow up to be anything we put our minds and hearts to, how is it that we start to believe that this promise has set limits?  

Last night, my husband and I were catching up on one of the reality TV shows that we happen to both enjoy, the Deadliest Catch, and I watched a similar theme unfold.  I guess it’s true that you get what you are looking for, because I always seem to find examples laid out in front of me when I get these ideas in my head.  On the show, one of the captains has an 18 year old daughter who has decided she wants to follow in the legacy of her family’s name and give crab fishing a try.  Now, to be clear… Even I think she’s completely crazy for wanting to do a job like that, but I do believe that she should be given the chance to decide for herself.  

The topic spreads though the fleet of boats and all these captains/fishermen are discussing how it is not the place for a “young lady,” it’s too hard, etc. and here is this girls Dad, terrified, but supportive. Is he in a lose/lose scenario… Yes.  But he is doing the right thing by his daughter and for that I respect him all the more.  If he tells his kid no, he is setting the tone for her that there is a limit to what she can do with her life.  By telling her yes, he has the constant fear and worry that she could get hurt or killed learning one of the most dangerous jobs in the world.  So he chooses the selfless path and is giving her a chance at the life she is so desperate to experience.  

I hope that as my daughter gets older, I have the courage to let her live beyond the boundaries that hold me back and I pray that I am able to demonstrate for her the importance of letting your true self shine beyond the stereotypes and set boundaries of our culture.   

"Why can't "Run like a Girl" also mean... Win the Race?"  I think it can!  

Below is the ad I enjoyed so much!  

"Father Forgets"

Condemnation is a word that very few of us spend any time thinking about, however, it is an action that we are all guilty of acting upon, often without even realizing it.  This has been on my mind a lot lately, so I decided to look it up!  

Con-dem-na-tion (noun):  The expression of very strong disapproval.  The action of condemning someone to a punishment, sentencing.  

To start… I know, I really should find a more entertaining hobby, but seriously – we all do it!  I’d love to tell you that I am profound enough to avoid this faux pas, but even while constant thinking about it, these condemnations appear in my head just like the rest of the world.  

If it is natural behavior, why fight it??  Why? because we can.  Because as human beings we have the ability to be compassionate, empathetic and understanding.  Because, we all deserve the opportunity to experience life in our time, and amazingly, though we are often sharing the same space and experiences with those around us, we haven’t all walked the same paths to get there.  

A Facebook page that I follow, Your Family LLC, recently posted about a similar concept.  These gals are great, and often post about the same themes and ideas that I have running through my head!  You’ve probably all seen the 100 Days of Happiness concept that people have been posting about…  this one is just a little bit different.  They are promoting 100 Days of No Judgment.   Kudos to you guys for really working for it!  As a community, there is no better lesson that we can teach our kids than acceptance, and the hardest part about teaching these skills is that they are often learned through watching and mimicking the adults that they interact with on a daily basis.

I never knew how hard it would be to be a good parent.  (Anyone who says it’s a piece of cake is either lying, cheating… or simply not trying! Seriously!)  In my most recent “read” The Dale Carnegie Leadership Mastery Course, I came across the story, “Father Forgets,” written by W. Livingston Larned many, many decades ago.  I have heard this story before, but it is one that calls for frequent repetition.  Truly, I should read this every morning before my daughter gets out of bed… as I know it would make me a better parent and human being.   

Today I will leave you with the story below, a challenge and a promise.  Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them.  Let’s keep ourselves honest and continue to try to figure out why it is that people do what they do.  It’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; plus this thought process breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness, all things we can use more of in our world.  

Over the next ten days, I will put into action the No Judgment policy and will follow up and let you know how I make out!  Anyone willing to do the same, I’d love to hear from you!

Enjoy.  

Father Forgets

By W. Livingston Larned 

Listen, son:  I am saying this as you lie asleep,
one little paw crumpled under your cheek and
the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead.
I have stolen into your room alone.

Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.  Guiltily I came to your bedside.These are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. 

I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel.  I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes.  I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor. 

At breakfast I found fault, too.  You spilled things.  You gulped down your food.  You put your elbows on the table.  You spread butter too thick on your bread.  And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, ‘Goodbye, Daddy!’ and I frowned, and said in reply, ‘Hold your shoulders back!’

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon.  As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles.  There were holes in your stockings.  I humiliated you before your friends by marching you ahead of me to the house.  Stockings were expensive - and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! 

Imagine that, son, from a father!  Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?  When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door.
‘What is it you want?’ I snapped.  You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither.  And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs. 

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me?  The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding - this was my reward to you for being a boy. 

It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth.  I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.  And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character.  The little heart of yours was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills.  This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night.  Nothing else matters tonight, son. 

I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!  It is a feeble atonement;  I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours.  But tomorrow I will be a real daddy!  I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh.  I will bite my tongue when impatient words come.

I will keep saying as if it were a ritual:  ‘He is nothing but a boy – a little boy!’  I am afraid I have visualized you as a man.  Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby.  Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms,
your head on her shoulder.  I have asked too much, too much.