Well, Hello There Stranger!

Ever have a strange and contradictory encounter with someone where you walk away thinking, What the…?  One that leaves you thinking about how well they actually know themselves and their own minds?  I’d like to think that we all take the time to think and wonder about our own actions and motivations, but the reality is that many people push through life acting with very little thought to the reasons behind their actions.  I guess sometimes it can be easier to live in denial than it is to come face to face with your own truths.   

I’ve been here...  I have a distinct memory from a few years back when, with not nearly enough adult beverages in my system to pretend to blame my behavior on, I found myself razzing a co-working just a little too hard.  I meant it in good fun, but clearly had crossed the line from funny to borderline mean.  I remember feeling a bit out of body at the moment too… thinking, what am I doing? and eventually moving on from the conversation to talk with someone else.  

A few days later when faced with this person again, I apologized.  I wasn’t quite sure that it was necessary or quite what I was apologizing for, but figured I was better safe than sorry since I clearly still felt a bit weird about the interaction.  He said to me…  “It’s ok, I figured you were probably feeling a bit insecure and I was an easy target.”  Wow – and sadly, TRUE.  He saw right through me, when even I hadn’t come to terms with my behavior or the reasons behind it.  But honestly, I had been feeling insecure.  I was feeling a bit like an outcast and had been away from my family for more than a week.  Clearly, targeting and alienating the one person who WAS being nice to me was the solution?!?  What a mess.  

As a rule, I make a real concerted effort to think before I act, to know and understand my feelings before they are displayed for the world to see, and to grasp the motivating factors in my life.  For me, I need to put them into words before my mind is allowed to act upon these thoughts in methods that don’t sync with how I’ve decided I’d like to behave.  Actually, God bless my best friends…  I tend to do best when I talk out my feelings and toss around all the different scenarios with an outside perspective.    For others it can be a simple matter of looking into the mirror here and there and saying, “Oh, Hello there stranger!”…      

      

Whatever your method – make the time to take a hard look at yourself.  Being the target of someone else’s misguided understanding of their own feelings is both confusing and hurtful.  It’s as if their actions and words don’t quite match, you know?   

We’d all have to be psychic’s or highly in tune psychologists to have successful relationships if everyone behaved this way all the time.  If you find that you have frustrating or annoying encounters with different people on a regular basis, maybe it’s time to reflect a bit.  You might find a more deeply rooted issue that you didn’t even know you were harboring.  The truth is hard, but is always better than a fabricated reality that only prolongs the inevitable.      

The Green Monster

I am recently in a place in life where I find I am occasionally suffering from the green monster of envy.  Don’t get me wrong…  Had I to trade out the wonderful things in my life for those things I feel I am “lacking,” I would never even have to consider it.  Sometimes though, we just need a little reminder. 

Right now, my husband and I are desperately trying to figure out how and if we will ever afford to live in a house.  We have a wonderful home and have made the choices that led us to where we are…  but God, I really want a real HOUSE!  Along with all the glorious space and control that owning a house could give us.  I know, it is not all it is cracked up to be…  and though our home is small, we are reassured that we are making smart choices for our family, and that is what is most important.  Some days the feeling that we are drowning in our own belongings just gets the better of me, and I am so over it. 

Yesterday I came across this blog post titled “Give me Gratitude or Give me Debt” and I could only think about how this woman and I seemed to be on the same page!  I linked it for you if you are interested in reading for yourself, but to summarize, she talks about all the work that could and should be done to fix up her kitchen.  Apparently she innocently posted a photo of herself in the kitchen and then immediately got multiple comments about the things she could do to make it nicer.  Yikes!

Side note – I am pretty sure she might need some new friends, because I can’t imagine my friends offering up criticism in such a way (even constructively) but alas… We don’t hear the whole story.    

Anyhow, she sweats out all the work that needs to be done, and then takes a whole different view.  One I need to keep reminding myself about.  You will get what you are looking for in life.  Rather than looking at the fact that her appliances don’t match, she comments on how lucky she is to have a fridge full of food… and rather than crying over ugly old cabinets she points out how lucky she is to have a medicine cabinet stocked with little more than vitamins.  She even gave props to her old school coffee maker, and let’s be honest…   Who wouldn’t!  As long as it brews up the necessary caffeine fix to get you through your day.

This morning as I was drudging my way into work, I was late and feeling sorry for myself - thinking, are there people out there that can actually pay their bills on time and without stress?  Who’s homes are clean and sinks are not constantly full of dishes?  People who feel that they have a balance in their lives between work, family and self?  At the end of my commute God intervened....  I am not a terribly religious person in general, but this was nothing less than a divine intervention, and clearly I needed a further reminder of this point!  

As I was about to pull into work and start another day, I passed by an elderly man on the street with a sign that read “Homeless and Sober, God Bless.” I was literally shaken out of my own reality by this man.  I mean, he was OLD... old enough that I would worry watching him walk across the street alone and would gladly give my seat to him on the train.  All of a sudden, my mind switched from poor me, to lucky me, and I began to tear up thinking about how trivial my problems are.  I'm not sure what led this man to be homeless at such a senior age, but I am confident that this is not a reality that I will ever have to face in life.  Thank God.    

Yes, my electric bill is past due and we desperately need to go grocery shopping.  We have a broken dishwasher and a sink full of dirty dishes.  But - I have a strong, loving family would I know will always be there for me.  I have a husband who truly loves and respects me and is showing our daughter what a healthy male relationship looks like, even when she rejects his affection.  I have a beautiful daughter, seriously – she’s so cute, who is healthy and smart and funny and is always telling me she needs another hug and kiss before bed because the first few "went away too fast."   

We have basic cable…  It’s horrible and nothing like the whole big package we had before, but I also have a brother who is willing to help me set up our Apple TV so that we can still watch shows like Sofia the First when we want to and put an extra $100 in my bank account each month. 

So, as you all head off to your busy lives filled with summer vacations, cleaning, socializing, paying bills and running errands...  I hope you are able to remember how lucky you are every single day.  Some days it takes a smack in the face to see what's right in front of us... but take the time today to be grateful for the things in life that we do have, because I don't think anyone ever gets it all. 

    

#LikeAGirl

Yesterday I got a goofy video sent to me by my little brother.  A cute video of parents surprising their kids with a trip to Disney, where the toddler seems to be staring at everyone like they are all completely bananas.  Normally I would question my brother’s sanity with a video share like this, but sometimes I think these things happen for a reason.   You just never know when and where inspiration will strike, and in this situation it was the ad leading up to the video that really hit home.

So yes, I found myself inspired by an ad for maxi pads…  In my defense though, Always really hit the nail on the head with this one!  We live in a world where we say that a girl can do anything.  We teach our kids to dream big and reach for the stars, yet at the same time we support the stereotypes that were designed to hold us back.  

In this ad, they bring out a bunch of adults and teens and ask them to demonstrate what it means to do a certain action “like a girl,” like running or throwing.  As expected these adult women acted the part, running silly, flapping their arms, etc.  Then, they brought in a handful of young girls maybe ages 6-8.  They asked these sweet innocent little things to do the same; run “like a girl,” throw “like a girl.”  These results were what surprised me.  These young girls haven’t reached the point in their lives where the stereotype “like a girl” has become a negative, and they did exactly as they were told.  Running and sprinting like they meant it, throwing as hard as they can… and honestly, I felt inspired!  I felt inspired by not only their innocence, but their determination, strength and pride. 

At what point in our lives do we allow this transition to happen in our minds?  If our parents are telling us that we can grow up to be anything we put our minds and hearts to, how is it that we start to believe that this promise has set limits?  

Last night, my husband and I were catching up on one of the reality TV shows that we happen to both enjoy, the Deadliest Catch, and I watched a similar theme unfold.  I guess it’s true that you get what you are looking for, because I always seem to find examples laid out in front of me when I get these ideas in my head.  On the show, one of the captains has an 18 year old daughter who has decided she wants to follow in the legacy of her family’s name and give crab fishing a try.  Now, to be clear… Even I think she’s completely crazy for wanting to do a job like that, but I do believe that she should be given the chance to decide for herself.  

The topic spreads though the fleet of boats and all these captains/fishermen are discussing how it is not the place for a “young lady,” it’s too hard, etc. and here is this girls Dad, terrified, but supportive. Is he in a lose/lose scenario… Yes.  But he is doing the right thing by his daughter and for that I respect him all the more.  If he tells his kid no, he is setting the tone for her that there is a limit to what she can do with her life.  By telling her yes, he has the constant fear and worry that she could get hurt or killed learning one of the most dangerous jobs in the world.  So he chooses the selfless path and is giving her a chance at the life she is so desperate to experience.  

I hope that as my daughter gets older, I have the courage to let her live beyond the boundaries that hold me back and I pray that I am able to demonstrate for her the importance of letting your true self shine beyond the stereotypes and set boundaries of our culture.   

"Why can't "Run like a Girl" also mean... Win the Race?"  I think it can!  

Below is the ad I enjoyed so much!  

"Father Forgets"

Condemnation is a word that very few of us spend any time thinking about, however, it is an action that we are all guilty of acting upon, often without even realizing it.  This has been on my mind a lot lately, so I decided to look it up!  

Con-dem-na-tion (noun):  The expression of very strong disapproval.  The action of condemning someone to a punishment, sentencing.  

To start… I know, I really should find a more entertaining hobby, but seriously – we all do it!  I’d love to tell you that I am profound enough to avoid this faux pas, but even while constant thinking about it, these condemnations appear in my head just like the rest of the world.  

If it is natural behavior, why fight it??  Why? because we can.  Because as human beings we have the ability to be compassionate, empathetic and understanding.  Because, we all deserve the opportunity to experience life in our time, and amazingly, though we are often sharing the same space and experiences with those around us, we haven’t all walked the same paths to get there.  

A Facebook page that I follow, Your Family LLC, recently posted about a similar concept.  These gals are great, and often post about the same themes and ideas that I have running through my head!  You’ve probably all seen the 100 Days of Happiness concept that people have been posting about…  this one is just a little bit different.  They are promoting 100 Days of No Judgment.   Kudos to you guys for really working for it!  As a community, there is no better lesson that we can teach our kids than acceptance, and the hardest part about teaching these skills is that they are often learned through watching and mimicking the adults that they interact with on a daily basis.

I never knew how hard it would be to be a good parent.  (Anyone who says it’s a piece of cake is either lying, cheating… or simply not trying! Seriously!)  In my most recent “read” The Dale Carnegie Leadership Mastery Course, I came across the story, “Father Forgets,” written by W. Livingston Larned many, many decades ago.  I have heard this story before, but it is one that calls for frequent repetition.  Truly, I should read this every morning before my daughter gets out of bed… as I know it would make me a better parent and human being.   

Today I will leave you with the story below, a challenge and a promise.  Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them.  Let’s keep ourselves honest and continue to try to figure out why it is that people do what they do.  It’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; plus this thought process breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness, all things we can use more of in our world.  

Over the next ten days, I will put into action the No Judgment policy and will follow up and let you know how I make out!  Anyone willing to do the same, I’d love to hear from you!

Enjoy.  

Father Forgets

By W. Livingston Larned 

Listen, son:  I am saying this as you lie asleep,
one little paw crumpled under your cheek and
the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead.
I have stolen into your room alone.

Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.  Guiltily I came to your bedside.These are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. 

I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel.  I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes.  I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor. 

At breakfast I found fault, too.  You spilled things.  You gulped down your food.  You put your elbows on the table.  You spread butter too thick on your bread.  And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, ‘Goodbye, Daddy!’ and I frowned, and said in reply, ‘Hold your shoulders back!’

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon.  As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles.  There were holes in your stockings.  I humiliated you before your friends by marching you ahead of me to the house.  Stockings were expensive - and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! 

Imagine that, son, from a father!  Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?  When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door.
‘What is it you want?’ I snapped.  You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither.  And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs. 

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me?  The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding - this was my reward to you for being a boy. 

It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth.  I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.  And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character.  The little heart of yours was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills.  This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night.  Nothing else matters tonight, son. 

I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!  It is a feeble atonement;  I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours.  But tomorrow I will be a real daddy!  I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh.  I will bite my tongue when impatient words come.

I will keep saying as if it were a ritual:  ‘He is nothing but a boy – a little boy!’  I am afraid I have visualized you as a man.  Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby.  Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms,
your head on her shoulder.  I have asked too much, too much.