#LikeAGirl

Yesterday I got a goofy video sent to me by my little brother.  A cute video of parents surprising their kids with a trip to Disney, where the toddler seems to be staring at everyone like they are all completely bananas.  Normally I would question my brother’s sanity with a video share like this, but sometimes I think these things happen for a reason.   You just never know when and where inspiration will strike, and in this situation it was the ad leading up to the video that really hit home.

So yes, I found myself inspired by an ad for maxi pads…  In my defense though, Always really hit the nail on the head with this one!  We live in a world where we say that a girl can do anything.  We teach our kids to dream big and reach for the stars, yet at the same time we support the stereotypes that were designed to hold us back.  

In this ad, they bring out a bunch of adults and teens and ask them to demonstrate what it means to do a certain action “like a girl,” like running or throwing.  As expected these adult women acted the part, running silly, flapping their arms, etc.  Then, they brought in a handful of young girls maybe ages 6-8.  They asked these sweet innocent little things to do the same; run “like a girl,” throw “like a girl.”  These results were what surprised me.  These young girls haven’t reached the point in their lives where the stereotype “like a girl” has become a negative, and they did exactly as they were told.  Running and sprinting like they meant it, throwing as hard as they can… and honestly, I felt inspired!  I felt inspired by not only their innocence, but their determination, strength and pride. 

At what point in our lives do we allow this transition to happen in our minds?  If our parents are telling us that we can grow up to be anything we put our minds and hearts to, how is it that we start to believe that this promise has set limits?  

Last night, my husband and I were catching up on one of the reality TV shows that we happen to both enjoy, the Deadliest Catch, and I watched a similar theme unfold.  I guess it’s true that you get what you are looking for, because I always seem to find examples laid out in front of me when I get these ideas in my head.  On the show, one of the captains has an 18 year old daughter who has decided she wants to follow in the legacy of her family’s name and give crab fishing a try.  Now, to be clear… Even I think she’s completely crazy for wanting to do a job like that, but I do believe that she should be given the chance to decide for herself.  

The topic spreads though the fleet of boats and all these captains/fishermen are discussing how it is not the place for a “young lady,” it’s too hard, etc. and here is this girls Dad, terrified, but supportive. Is he in a lose/lose scenario… Yes.  But he is doing the right thing by his daughter and for that I respect him all the more.  If he tells his kid no, he is setting the tone for her that there is a limit to what she can do with her life.  By telling her yes, he has the constant fear and worry that she could get hurt or killed learning one of the most dangerous jobs in the world.  So he chooses the selfless path and is giving her a chance at the life she is so desperate to experience.  

I hope that as my daughter gets older, I have the courage to let her live beyond the boundaries that hold me back and I pray that I am able to demonstrate for her the importance of letting your true self shine beyond the stereotypes and set boundaries of our culture.   

"Why can't "Run like a Girl" also mean... Win the Race?"  I think it can!  

Below is the ad I enjoyed so much!  

"Father Forgets"

Condemnation is a word that very few of us spend any time thinking about, however, it is an action that we are all guilty of acting upon, often without even realizing it.  This has been on my mind a lot lately, so I decided to look it up!  

Con-dem-na-tion (noun):  The expression of very strong disapproval.  The action of condemning someone to a punishment, sentencing.  

To start… I know, I really should find a more entertaining hobby, but seriously – we all do it!  I’d love to tell you that I am profound enough to avoid this faux pas, but even while constant thinking about it, these condemnations appear in my head just like the rest of the world.  

If it is natural behavior, why fight it??  Why? because we can.  Because as human beings we have the ability to be compassionate, empathetic and understanding.  Because, we all deserve the opportunity to experience life in our time, and amazingly, though we are often sharing the same space and experiences with those around us, we haven’t all walked the same paths to get there.  

A Facebook page that I follow, Your Family LLC, recently posted about a similar concept.  These gals are great, and often post about the same themes and ideas that I have running through my head!  You’ve probably all seen the 100 Days of Happiness concept that people have been posting about…  this one is just a little bit different.  They are promoting 100 Days of No Judgment.   Kudos to you guys for really working for it!  As a community, there is no better lesson that we can teach our kids than acceptance, and the hardest part about teaching these skills is that they are often learned through watching and mimicking the adults that they interact with on a daily basis.

I never knew how hard it would be to be a good parent.  (Anyone who says it’s a piece of cake is either lying, cheating… or simply not trying! Seriously!)  In my most recent “read” The Dale Carnegie Leadership Mastery Course, I came across the story, “Father Forgets,” written by W. Livingston Larned many, many decades ago.  I have heard this story before, but it is one that calls for frequent repetition.  Truly, I should read this every morning before my daughter gets out of bed… as I know it would make me a better parent and human being.   

Today I will leave you with the story below, a challenge and a promise.  Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them.  Let’s keep ourselves honest and continue to try to figure out why it is that people do what they do.  It’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; plus this thought process breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness, all things we can use more of in our world.  

Over the next ten days, I will put into action the No Judgment policy and will follow up and let you know how I make out!  Anyone willing to do the same, I’d love to hear from you!

Enjoy.  

Father Forgets

By W. Livingston Larned 

Listen, son:  I am saying this as you lie asleep,
one little paw crumpled under your cheek and
the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead.
I have stolen into your room alone.

Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.  Guiltily I came to your bedside.These are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. 

I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel.  I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes.  I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor. 

At breakfast I found fault, too.  You spilled things.  You gulped down your food.  You put your elbows on the table.  You spread butter too thick on your bread.  And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, ‘Goodbye, Daddy!’ and I frowned, and said in reply, ‘Hold your shoulders back!’

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon.  As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles.  There were holes in your stockings.  I humiliated you before your friends by marching you ahead of me to the house.  Stockings were expensive - and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! 

Imagine that, son, from a father!  Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?  When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door.
‘What is it you want?’ I snapped.  You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither.  And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs. 

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me?  The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding - this was my reward to you for being a boy. 

It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth.  I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.  And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character.  The little heart of yours was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills.  This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night.  Nothing else matters tonight, son. 

I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!  It is a feeble atonement;  I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours.  But tomorrow I will be a real daddy!  I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh.  I will bite my tongue when impatient words come.

I will keep saying as if it were a ritual:  ‘He is nothing but a boy – a little boy!’  I am afraid I have visualized you as a man.  Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby.  Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms,
your head on her shoulder.  I have asked too much, too much.

"Bad Baby"... It's all relative!

My husband is really into the radio program “This AmericanLife” and he gladly uses up all of our data listening to the online pod casts whenever he gets the chance.  Occasionally, when on longer trips together (when our daughter is a sleep of course, or we’d be listening to “princess music” for sure…) we will listen to an episode or two together too.  It’s an interesting show with a mixture of real life stories, a reporting of sorts and off beat fictional stories often told by celebrities.  All in, it’s right up my husband’s alley; primarily non-fiction and definitely odd. 

Last week on our way home from a trip to Maine to visit his family we got into one episode called “Bad Baby” and needless to say, we got more than we bargained for.  I had picked the episode based on the title because, every parent of a two/three year old wonders sometimes if they are doing right by their kids and whether they are being too tough or too easy, etc.  I guess this was what this episode was about… sort of.  But it also had a much darker turn with a family who has a child who demonstrates violent and somewhat psychopathic tendencies at a really young age. 

I found that we were both completely fascinated and mesmerized by the story.  The thought that a small child could be so “bad” just has never crossed our minds.  I guess in that, we are lucky.  It means that though kids in our families, friendships, etc. may not always behave perfectly and as parents we may have different views on discipline and behavior, I’ve never actually come across a child that was truly “bad.”  Even our perfect little angel has me reeling some days praying that bedtime come faster, but this was a whole different ball of wax.  I know I always focus my posts towards positive thought, but this story has plagued my mind for nearly a week now.  

This Mom…  this extremely brave Mom, who has come out to share her story with the world in hopes to find answers and resources to help her kid, is living in a constant state of anxiety and fear that I can’t even begin to imagine.  To give you the cliff notes version, essentially what initially seemed like a case of the ‘new baby in the house blues’ continued to progress and get worse with not just a lack of empathy, but a true joy in causing pain and fear.  The family now has three kids in total, and this Mom and Dad have run into multiple situations where their eldest son has purposely inflicted injury on both them and the other kids and has gone so far as to actually try to kill his brother twice! 

More than once this past week my husband and I have gotten into this fairly heated discussion about what do parents do in this situation?  Is it really as simple as saying – That’s it!?  He thinks it is…  but he’s a guy.  It’s easy for a man to put his foot down and say, I’d never tolerate that, without ever having been in the shoes of the people involved.  How do you choose one child over another?  But also, how do you allow your kids to live in fear?  When exactly do you decide that its ok to “give up on your kid” for the betterment of the family?  

I can honestly say that I have no answers to any of these questions, but here is what I have taken from this story line and the message I want to leave you with today:  

1. Find a reason to be grateful for the life/family that you have, especially on the tough days – So many people live in terror and fear every single day of their lives and our worst days might look like their best days.     
2. Be kind to the people you interact with – Period.  Regardless of their attitude, grumpiness, road rage, whatever…  You just never know what kinds of battles they are fighting in life and will it really make you feel better about yourself to be a jerk?  Seriously…     
3. Thank your Mom.  Whether it’s a long overdue phone call, a visit, or for some - a prayer…  Be sure to send some love her way because, though you likely weren’t as tough on her as the story above, the reality is that you probably caused her many moments of heartache over the years. 

If you want to torture yourself like me and read more about this family and their struggles you can check out these links: 

http://www.myfamilymyvillage.com/?p=381

http://www.myfamilymyvillage.com/?p=196

Or you can read her whole blog at www.myfamilymyvillage.com.  

p.s. Links to both the radio program and the specific program "Bad Baby" are imbedded above.